I emptied my tub for you.

The morning of what we did not plan to be the last day we saw each other, I wanted to cold plunge with you. I had asked for you to hold off on cold plunging alone so we could do it together at my house. You said you didn’t want to because there was chlorine in mine and you would have to shower after. So I went downstairs and emptied it to get the chlorine out for you.

I hadn’t seen you in a while and I was really excited to spend time with you. That day our hangout got cut short to a whopping three hours so you could head back before the storm came. We didn’t end up cold plunging. I stood by the door waving goodbye as you drove away but you drove off too fast to see me. The next night we broke up. 

In emotional turmoil the days after the breakup, I wanted to reset, so I got myself out of bed to go cold plunge. As I headed downstairs to fill the tub back up my dad stopped me and said ”Alexandra you can’t fill the tub back up yet, the pipes will freeze.” 

I laughed. 

How ironic. 

I was always emptying myself the whole relationship to pour into you, into us. I emptied myself to earn a spot in your life. A spot on your priority list. And now I have to wait till the winter passes to fill the tub back up.

The storm you drove home for that night was the storm inside you.

The tub I emptied out was everything I had left to give you. I abandoned my own needs, for little in return. Left with a “this is too much for me” and “i don’t know if I was ready for this” and an “I’m sorry.” 

So it’s winter and I’m left with an empty tub till spring comes around

But it’s ok. Because I am okay now. I am able to fill up my own tub, and even though I had to get through winter to blossom, the cold plunges feel even better than before :)

-Ali Marriott